The Plight of the Senshi: Flame's Grace
by Ryu Niiyama
Summary: Temptation drove the Flame of Mars from her sacred duty and guilt trapped her in exile. When she is summoned by the one she betrayed will she find absolution or will everything she'd believed she'd ever known about her Queen be upended?


Plight of the Senshi: Flame's Grace

By Ryu Niiyama

This isn't really fluff but it is about love. Sadly despite being a hopeless romantic my muse doesn't call me to write fluff very often.

* * *

Her hands trembled before the flames and she tried to focus upon the energies of the world, yet all she could feel were the phantoms of the dream that had haunted her for decades. One moment of weakness, one horrible act of indiscretion and a lifetime of loneliness and guilt had been her penance.

Yet it wasn't the acts committed so much as the emotion behind them that haunted her. Touches that seared with longing and care, kisses that branded with unrepentant supplication and adoration, whispers with the reverence normally reserved for gods swept her away in a maelstrom of confusing desire.

The embraces, both passionate and lingeringly gentle were nothing like the horror stories she'd heard and been revolted by. There had been no pain, only pleasure until she thought she'd die from it. As she drifted in blissful decimation she felt the warmth of comforting arms around her and heard whispers of unerring love and devotion that were not meant for her ears.

The thought of the one she had betrayed in her weakness, of the oaths and trust she had broken for a stolen night, for a knight in armor that she lay with in effigy for another, and she could do nothing but punish her tempter and herself both. She cast the bearer of poisonous lips out and tore herself from the fellowship and sisterhood that had brought her salvation. Even worse she turned her back upon the shining moonlight that guided her through the darkness of this fickle world.

For forty years she lay in exile, the fire within her dormant, even as she chose new ways to protect that which she had betrayed. She rose in prominence, as both a spiritual leader and a political one, knowing that if she could no longer be a soldier she could still be a warrior for truth and justice. At least in that way she could still keep her vows. She ignored insistent phone calls and accidental meetings; she deafened her ears to pleading voices and angry shouts. Her sisters in arms didn't understand, they could never know what she had done…better to be a coward in their eyes than a betrayer.

The only fortune that had been bestowed upon her was that the one she had betrayed, her shining moon had honored her decision. Not once did the princess of the moon ask her to return. Never again did she grace flame dimmed by treachery with her presence. In time she was forgotten by those she loved, leaving her once again alone with only her grandfather to comfort her. When he passed and she thought that her heart would stop beating from grief and loneliness she remembered warm hands, familiar hands that held her close, and she fainted weak from devastation, she imagined those delicate, yet deceptively strong hands carrying her home.

That reprieve had been a hallucination brought on by grief and guilt, she was certain of it. Her sisters had attended the commitment of her grandfather to the gods, but she had not seen the face that she both longed for and dreaded to see that day. In time even she found that she could endure yet again, and she pushed herself to even harder to make an impact in the city that would one day become the heart of her beloved sovereign's Queendom. For forty years she was allowed her penance, until now. She looked at the letter that had been mailed to her, tactile and hand written. The paper was exquisite, even if the familiar handwriting upon it was not. She had been summoned, and as she was still the bearer of the Mantle of Mars, she could not disobey. Perhaps now she would finally know the punishment that she'd deserved. Perhaps then she would finally know peace. She looked out towards the horizon, seeing the Crystal Palace and she felt hope and desolation in equal measure. Steeling her resolve, the bearer of Flame traveled towards her fate.

Tokyo was not yet the grand utopia of the future, but the foundation had been laid with the creation of the Crystal Palace. Neo Queen Serenity and King Endymion currently worked with the Prime Minister and the Diet, partially displacing the Chrysanthemum throne. Partially because the Empress of Japan had become King Endymion's wife, meaning that the Emperor's line would continue on in the line of the King of Earth. Hardly a political marriage in the traditional sense as theirs was a love match, with Serenity herself officiating over the ceremony. She had felt such guilt when she heard of their pairing, believing that her weakness had played a part in destroying that which was destined to be, that her silence had only papered over the damage she had caused.

The two lines would co rule when they finally ascended, not as husband and wife but as partners and friends. Serenity stood alone, no lover or suitor by her side and Rei cursed the lonely life she had damned her beloved leader and sovereign to. She would find a way to make amends, she would lay her life at Serenity's feet and prostrate herself until she fixed what she had broken in foolishness so long ago.

She had expected to have to explain her identity or at the very least to have to wait as she approached the desk of Neo Queen Serenity's attaché, yet the young woman merely informed their sovereign of her arrival and waived her inside. She wasn't sure what she expected but the stately study was not very high on her list. Serenity sat behind a desk piled high with a mix of paperwork and tablets, the true drudgery of ruling on full display. She watched for a moment in disquiet awe as the awe-inspiring woman that her clumsy leader had become worked on a final document, before coming to a stopping point and rising and meeting her halfway. Rei tried not to flinch as Serenity embraced her and kissed her cheek, her smile as radiant as the sun, scorching her soul.

Serenity's voice was soothing, melodious with maturity although there were hints of the earnestness of her youth within. As if she was meeting an old friend rather than a disgraced coward, the Queen of Earth and Moon played the attentive hostess, guiding her guest to the sitting area.

She sat gingerly upon the expensive yet plush chair, looking around as her Queen prepared refreshments. An onyx eyebrow rose in confusion as she noted the casablanca lilies that accented the room, surely Serenity loved roses instead…perhaps that too was a victim of her folly.

Agitated and cagey she rose, biting lush lips and wringing her hands in nervousness. She paced as she waited for her Queen to return. It was a mistake for her to come here. Flitting amethyst was drawn to an emblem of a flame that burned in the shape of a lily and recognition lit her beautiful features. RayeFrame an entertainment and software company with numerous holdings and popular productions…and a very big sponsor of the Hikawa Jinja as well as the political offices of Rei Hino. Confused, Rei pulled out the binder and she flipped through it quickly. This wasn't a product; it was an investment portfolio, with letters addressed to the CEO Serena Moon…Rei blanched as she realized what this meant. Serenity, formerly Usagi Tsukino was Serena Moon, and thus had been mostly responsible for keeping the Jinja going for the past four decades.

She fumbled, putting the binder back where she found it and drifted half dazed back to the nearby furniture. Why would Serenity do this? To keep her indebted? Was it a punishment? Or even after her betrayal had her benevolent sovereign still cared? She had no more time to puzzle through those questions as Serenity returned with tea and a cake set from her favorite confectionery. How much did the Queen of Earth and the Moon know about her? Was her exile an illusion created by Serenity's sponsorship?

She tried to keep up as her Queen spoke to her as if she weren't a villain, as if she hadn't taken her sacred duty and thrown it away for something as meaningless as pleasure. Serenity caught her up on the everyday life of the burgeoning court and she smiled as free and open as if she was talking to a friend that she had not seen in years rather than her betrayer. Rei fumbled through eating the cake, the exquisite confection nothing but ashes upon her tongue and she nearly startled when Serenity reached out and thumbed away crème from her cheek before suckling the sweetness into her mouth. Confusion and vaguely unwanted arousal burned down her spine and her eyes snapped to the gentle ones of her sovereign only they were a deeper azure now, shaded with something else, something that Rei Hino had only seen once. She flinched as she felt memory crash upon her like a house of cards folding in and for one moment Mamoru Chiba's face transposed itself upon Serenity's and she gasped as she remembered that he had matching ear piercings.

Mamoru Chiba had unpierced ears.

She felt a roaring in her ears that made her think she was drowning or perhaps she was having a heart attack; surely both of those things would be better than the realization that her betrayal had not been hers alone to commit. She remembered reverent loving hands and blue eyes that she now realized were the wrong shade looking at her with desire and awe. "Mamoru" had been attentive, almost obsessed with her pleasure; drawing out her cries and moans until exhaustion had forced her to push "him" away and she had drifted into contentment held in loving arms. It wasn't until she had been kissed awake several hours later that the guilt had broken her heart and the realization of why she couldn't turn him down…the realization of why she had competed for him in the first place. Usagi had been unaware, too focused on her masked prince to realize that Mamoru Chiba's ill timed barbs had been covers for his attraction. She hated his eyes upon Usagi, hated the thought that the first true friend she'd ever had would leave her for the affections of a boy and leave her alone once again. So she had courted him to prove how fickle his love could be, hiding her yearning for Usagi's focus to be entirely upon her. Yet this revelation had taken everything she had dreamed of, everything she'd punished herself for and made it worthless.

"Why?"

The princess of the moon searched her eyes for a moment before pulling back, an air of resignation about her as she lifted up the bone china cup to her lips and drained it of its contents as if it had been full of spirits and not tea. Serenity sat down her glass with an air of poise that Rei still had trouble associating with the clumsy teenager and young woman of her memories. Eyes, deeper and clearer than any ocean gazed into hers, filled with warmth and pain, but absolutely no remorse. "Because I wanted you... I wanted to love you with all of my heart. I wanted you to look at me the way you looked at _him_, to love me the way you loved _him_…but I couldn't bear your rejection and I was too afraid to tell you the truth."

The Guji jumped up and moved away, beginning to pace, her mind half trapped in a past of pleasure and belonging and a present of guilt and fury. "You used me-"

"-I _loved_ you. I _still_ _love_ you." The Queen was willing to admit her fault but she refused to allow her emotions to be dismissed. Perhaps she should have done so sooner. Perhaps all of this could have been avoided.

Amethyst eyes, brimming with tears met those of the Queen and Serenity reached out following her, hyperaware as always to the pain of others. Yet she would not allow herself to be soothed by her Queen's concern; _Usagi_ who had always been the first to offer a kind smile and a comforting hug, that woman was gone, leaving only someone that had taken her love and _twisted_ it. Her comfort had been false, she had laid a trap for Rei Hino and watched as she struggled and thrashed. Rei would not give her the satisfaction of seeing her fall for such a simple ploy. The warrior of Mars drew upon her anger, let its flame wreath her in power and she felt the comfort of her loneliness. She had been wrong, Usagi Tsukino was not her savior, she was just like all the others that used her and abandoned her. Her mother, her father, Yuuchiro, Mamoru Chiba, the girls at school, her constituents, the faithless that came to her for help and mocked her when they hated to hear the truth.

They were all the same.

"Do you have any idea what you have done to me?! I lost everything because of that night! Even the right to protect you!

"I never asked you to leave, Rei. You chose-"

"-Because the guilt would have torn me apart! I remember the day I renounced my station…I went to see my mother…to ask her to welcome me home…" She trailed off distractedly, her mind drawn to that night, oddly clear and quiet, as she knelt in front of her mother's tombstone with a blade to her own throat. It was a vision of Princess Serenity that made her drop the knife and she wept upon her mother's grave until she fell asleep. She woke up the next day in her bed with no memory of how she got there and the knife had been placed upon her bedside, neatly snapped in two. She glanced into azure eyes that burned …with a lover's outrage, and she had her answer to that mystery that night. Still it was not enough, she would not forgive the loss of her place among the senshi, the loss of her place by the side of what she had believed to be purest moonlight. She would not forgive Usagi for this transgression.

Usagi who had come to her in the guise of another and destroyed everything.

"You _left_ me."

For the first time she could see the spark of pure anger enter clear azure eyes. "You told me to. You were _horrified_ Rei. Or do you not remember your tears and screams? I most certainly do. The woman I loved, the woman that only the night before I made love with as passionately as I could have ever dreamed and you looked at me like I was a monster. The woman I loved, ready to end her own life because the thought of my touch, my love for her was so horrifying, that she'd rather _die_. What else could I do for you? What else would you have accepted?"

Rei clinched her fists so tightly that flame danced over her knuckles briefly, she would not, could not allow Serenity to turn this around. This was _her_ fault, she had taken Rei's love and made it into poison. Rei wouldn't allow her to sound as if she had been wounded…as if she knew what pain _felt_ like. "No. I looked at _Mamoru Chiba_ like _he_ was a monster…because that's what it felt like. That's what _I_ felt like. I thought that I had betrayed my best friend with her fiancé. I thought that I had betrayed my Princess! And you _let_ me believe that, for _years_ Usagi. So you tell me who is the monster now?"

Serenity's anger cooled and her eyes dulled with the desolate emptiness of a long ago broken heart. The Queen exhaled and slumped gracelessly into the nearest chair before putting her head in her hands. Rei had never in her life seen her beloved leader look so defeated. She tried to hold on to her anger, to hold her victory in her grasp, but her heart could not bear the despair of putting such consuming pain in Usagi's eyes. Without thought she rushed forward and placed her hands upon her sovereign's knees, a hair's breadth away from pulling her into an embrace.

The Queen looked up and half held out a hand, the motion familiar, for it was the way that she would caress a lover…it was the way she had once caressed Rei. Yet her gaze seemed focused only upon the empty space between them, locked in the past. Tears began to spill from the Queen's eyes and Rei fought back a startled flinch. Usagi's truest pain was quiet and long suffering, and she whimpered as she felt the last of her outrage fold over and die. Serenity had faced down the very Chaos of the universe and had seen so much death and loss but never once did she have such a look of desolation and disquiet on her face as she did now. As if losing Rei Hino was the one thing that she couldn't bear.

"You _loved_ him Rei-chan. And I wanted just _once_, to be the source of joy in your life. I wanted you to look at me the way you looked at him. I wanted to make you happy, I wanted to be the one to love you…before he or someone else took you away, I just wanted you to know at least once, that I loved you, more than anything. "

Moist amethyst eyes stared into weeping azure and she saw the truth of her Queen's words. The truth that Usagi Tsukino had not known how to express and Rei Hino had not known that she could ask for lay bared in the earnest gaze of a Queen that looked upon her retainer as if she were the most wondrous woman in existence. Rei broke the gaze, unable to withstand it but she reached out blindly to grasp Serenity's hands, unable to turn away from her completely.

"That doesn't make it right Usagi. Good intentions or not, love or not, you…"

Serenity slipped one hand free of the raven haired woman's grip and brought a hand to Rei's cheek, the gesture instantly and intimately familiar, forcing their eyes to meet once again.

"I know. Cowardice rarely makes anything right. Yet you and I both know that if I had gone to you then…truthfully you would have sent me away. Tell me I'm wrong."

She looked away unable to respond, the denial lodged in her throat. The feel of Usagi's arms around her had been salvation that she never thought herself worthy to feel. The thought of her kiss was joy she knew was never meant for her. In the end Rei Hino was still the girl with ESP with a dead mother, an absentee father that hid her away like a mistake until his dying day and only her doting, late grandfather and the gods of flame to care for her. She stood in the fringes of Usagi's life, only of worth for the power she wielded. It was a mistake, all of it. Usagi's desire had been misplaced. Yet as she thought of her own heart, the horror and dare she admit it, the joy of knowing that it had not been the hands of the man that Usagi loved that had lain such sweet devastation upon her, but rather her beloved goddess herself and she knew she could not allow her sovereign to ferret out the truth.

"Perhaps. But not for the reasons that you think."

Serenity hummed, thoughtful and low, and Rei struggled to tamp down on the thrill that rushed up her spine at the sound. It was strange, she had not loved Usagi in her natural form, yet with the truth revealed her body responded as if they had been long lost lovers. Perhaps they were. She ducked her head briefly to swallow down the desire that she wasn't sure that she wanted and she felt Serenity's hands rub soothingly against her arms.

"And now? Now that I am a woman that broke both our hearts to have you love me if only for a night…am I now flawed enough for you to see me?"

A dark head snapped up at the pained accusation that she could hear within the words. The sound was not new, for she had heard it laced in returned insults after Rei had immolated her for her faults. She derided everything that Usagi did, questioned her every choice, all to shroud the fact that she was the first to take up arms in her name, and the one that burned with fury should her beloved princess and now Queen ever know pain. Woe to any who dared pull forth pain from Usagi Tsukino, for the gods may have mercy but Rei Hino did not. Yet there was another truth that lay obscured by insults and petty arguments: yearning fierce and hot, blistering heat that not even the fire miko and now Guji could withstand.

She lay in the presence of the Goddess that rescued her from the darkness of her life and longed for her attention alone. Rei Hino, devout attendant of the flame knew the folly of wishing for the love of the gods for one's own. Mortal hands could not touch fire and escape unscathed, un-maimed, unbroken. She feared being reduced to ash even as she longed for the purest moonlight. So she pushed and yelled and snarled, willing to share her sovereign even though a part of her ached to be the sole source of her protection, joy and love. She pushed herself into exile after her transgression, determined to make things right, yet that shattered tone made her feel that nothing would ever be right again. The Guji frowned, drowning within her own thoughts and confused by the entreaty of a woman that should have forgotten her long ago, so much so that she startled when she felt a warm hand intertwine with her own.

"Who do you love Rei? Do you long for a Prince that never noticed you? Do you ache for a Princess that has been dead for millennia? Or could you…would you love a woman, flawed and undeserving yet absolutely devoted to you?"

She could hear hope and fear flowing into the cracks of defeat, Serenity's honesty making her bold and willing to take the chance that she had been too terrified to forty years ago. Yet Rei could only feel her guilt returning once again, shame immolating her that she had tempted her princess, her queen from her path. She looked up, blinking back tears and she watched something die in Serenity's eyes. It felt as if the room grew cold and she glanced down quickly to make sure that her Queen's starseed was still intact. Her sacrifice had been in vain. The earnest innocence in Serenity's eyes was gone. Not the type of change that happens with age, but rather the abrupt souring of one's most cherished dreams. Yet there was something else, something that she thought that she knew but realized abruptly that she had only known its flavor within this woman's arms.

"Rei?"

She had only seen that type of desire and love once in her life and just as she could not resist it then, she could not turn away now. She nodded softly, and watched as wonder bloomed bright and new in Serenity's eyes and she gasped as she felt the same within her own heart. She realized with newborn joy that Serenity had not lost her beloved, that in fact she had remained steadfast and loyal, abiding patiently as she waited for Rei to realize her worth. When Rei had been contented to drown in her obliviousness, Serenity had petitioned her, not to condemn her, but to have the chance to prove her devotion.

Serenity- Usagi drew her close, dropping to her knees to match Rei as she embraced her tightly. Rei softened her sharp edges, growing pliant within warm arms, tilting her face up slightly to meet lips that she had only dreamed of once. She let out a moan, soft and yearning as she felt a hand spear through her hair to cup her neck and skull confidently, the kiss taking her apart piece by piece and mending her shattered soul to wholeness. Usagi's technique was more skillful than she expected, even with that night long ago burned into her memory. Her sovereign kissed with slow sensuality, enjoying the meeting of their lips for its own sake. She would back away with teasing nips before pressing them together, loving her mouth with easy familiarity and desire. Soft lingering pecks that never quite ended a kiss before a gentle nibble or flick of her tongue would be the only warning before she settled back into a deeper, thoroughly consuming caress.

"Will you stay?"

Rei looked into warm azure eyes and she saw herself standing next to this woman in a shinto wedding, she saw herself once again her first and most steadfast protector, she saw herself as her lover no longer hidden by disguise magic and fear. She saw the future that she had deprived them both of and it was beautiful. Seeing that chance to start again, to love honestly and passionately after wandering in the dark and she knew that she could only give one answer.

"Forever, if you'll have me."

* * *

What can I say? I salt my Romance with Angst.


End file.
